Base Urges

I enjoyed my Master’s texture challenge the other night even if it was less show and tell and more hide and seek inside my cunt at the time. It was interesting to focus on a different kind of feeling for once when masturbating and concentrate on tactile sensations rather than just the sensation of fullness.

This different focus kept me on my toes nicely to stop myself falling into my old bad habit of rushing orgasms when I masturbate so they don’t really satisfy me properly. Like snacking mouthfuls as you pass the fridge fills your stomach up but doesn’t engage or satiate your brain’s hunger, my tendency to come almost for the sake of it is wasteful.

That kind of functional orgasm does nothing for me. It doesn’t turn me on, it doesn’t help me sleep and it gives my sex drive the same sickly feel as eating too many sweets or snacks between meals. In a long term relationship that makes me as bratty as I’m ever likely to get but in my single days it lead to impulsive sexual decisions like being hopped up on sugar or food colourings from eating junk food.

One of the first things my Master did when he started training me was to regulate this tendency teaching to slow down and savour masturbating so I really got to know my body and feel the orgasms instead of the equivalent of bolting down the main course to get to dessert.

It really worked to focus me on his dominance and not my own flights of sexual fancy and  without being taught to pace myself and be less sexually superficial I would not have been able to submit to my Master properly or stretch myself as much as I have been. Psychologically I’d have lost my nerve if I’d rushed and physically it’s not a good idea to mix haste and large objects.

I haven’t been able to fuck properly for what feels like forever recently. First I was ill. Then that bout of bacterial vaginosis and the the antibiotics I took for it really knocked my cunt off course with it taking ages to get back to normal levels of lubrication. Then life has got in the way of seeing my Master or Princess to actually fuck and if that wasn’t annoying enough, my cunt now has thrush from the antibiotics. My body feels like one of those over stimulated toddlers that needs to sleep but forces itself to stay awake even though it’s miserable.

Some people just get really obviously horny when they go without sex. You know the kind that starts humping the furniture without totally noticing they are doing it? Other people use all that untapped energy to motivate them into other non sexual things like going running to burn off the frustration.

I get irritable and oddly un-sexual despite being incredibly frustrated and horny. It’s like if I don’t have sex I know I’m missing out on something but lose the ability to read the cue and just get grumpy and wound up emotionally while my cunt forgets to connect to my mind. I can’t tell if I’m tired, hungry, thirsty or horny until I’m reminded obviously like someone offers me a cup of tea or tells me to get on my knees for them.

I’m not sure why I’m so bad at translating my own bodily urges but it’s like I need constant reminders to work those almost primal muscles so they stay fit and active. I don’t really understand why my body’s response to a lack of things like food and sex in my day to life is to go into hibernation mode to wait out some kind of famine rather than actively seek out things that are essential bodily needs.

But I end up irritated and out of sorts but without the focus that I’m hungry or horny and need to go and do something about it. Instead I annoy myself with my bad mood and hope someone will offer me a sandwich or a threesome and then my brain finally makes the connection and starts communicating with my cunt or my stomach.

I’m in this stage at the moment but with the added frustration that my cunt is attention seeking in all the wrong ways and not welcoming the feeling of getting fucked. It’s like realising you are starving hungry and then discovering you can’t taste anything because you’ve got the cold.

If my body is forcing me to slow down so much my mind is starting to run away with itself  with ideas of submission to balance it out. I think I might have to ask my Master if he has any ways I can actively submit to him to keep me engaged but not likely to do something ill advised like fuck myself too soon out of frustration.

Only problem is that suddenly everything on that menu looks appetising to me. Now I know why women let men order for them…

Base Urges

Distractions

I had so much to do yesterday. All kinds of boring domestic chores to make me feel like a 1950s housewife. But my Master had other plans to please him that didn’t involve doing the washing up.

He set me some research to find him some erotic stories about a girl becoming sluttier and physically changing her body in the process. And since I enjoyed scrolling smut on my phone with a huge cock in my cunt the other day, I asked if I could play the same way again now.

Unsurprisingly he agreed to my greed and allowed me to fill myself up with the John Holmes toy as I started searching for filth online. This afternoon’s scrolling was much less successful than the previous one though.

There was lots and lots of stories about girls getting sluttier, but all the body modification tales I could find were based around either sci fi or non consent which are personally my two greatest turn offs both in life and sex, even though I know lots of people enjoy aspects of both in their entertainment and fantasy lives.

But without getting into a debate about non consent as sexual fantasy I was disappointed to see so little consensual body modification erotica out there as if no one could enjoy or be wanting to have their body altered by someone or simply for themselves unless it’s in the realm of crossdressing or trans based sissification.

It taps into the idea that the only reason a man wants to change a woman’s body is because there’s something wrong with it rather than as a mutual project of him dominating and her willingly submitting. This also has shades of the belief many men have that women only dress up or wear make up for their attention rather because they also enjoy it.

I love that my Master takes such time and interest in modifying my body. My body being the operative word because he seeks to modify me differently to how he changes Princess. It’s individual and personal in the best of ways and it pushes me to submit rather than do things just for the sake of them.

So it irritated me that after almost three hours earlier I could only find one story that was even remotely consensually about body modification and featured a human woman. And then I realised that meant my Master’s kink is even kinkier than I realised seeing as he likes his sluts fully involved in their changes rather than given no choice.

And there’s really nothing hotter to me than that. No wonder I got nothing done except coming for him all afternoon and evening. Definitely the way to play housewife…

Distractions

Pleasing

So my Master definitely allowed me the loophole of the wand in that video last night and thoroughly enjoyed watching it which allowed me the opportunity for my reward. He told me I had to decide between one orgasm or five but to choose very carefully.

You’d think the answer was obvious. Who wouldn’t pick five orgasms over just the one? The person who knows my Master as well as I do is who. He has this slightly sadistic streak that bubbles over every so often which I secretly love but am a little tiny bit wary of too.

Five orgasms seemed too good to be true somehow but then again only one orgasm being held up as equivalent made me suspect that my Master had something terrifying there up his sleeve that would leave me helpless.

During the afternoon he asked me which way I was leaning and I said that five was such a nice number. Knowing me well he enquired if that was a temptation or a decision. I replied that it was both.

Meaning a temptation and a decision but my Master did check if my terrible maths were at play again before giving my orders. I was to watch the video I sent him in full while fucking myself with the John Holmes toy without coming at all. Then I was to watch it again in full with the huge cock in my cunt and the Doxy on my clit and come five times while I was.

I enjoyed the video even more watching it again and knowing my Master liked it so much. Plus I do love fucking myself with that John Holmes toy. The size and weight of it hit all the right parts of my cunt and it just seems to fit me so well now. I had to vary to my fucking on more than one occasion to prevent myself from letting myself come but I managed the whole almost twelve minutes without coming.

But when I put the Doxy on my clit and replayed the video I lasted just under a minute before the first orgasm. The second wasn’t far behind when I turned the toy up straight after the first. Then it seemed ridiculous not to have the third in that first three minutes too.

I needed to catch my breath after that for a moment or two and I didn’t have the fourth orgasm until the bit where he flicks her cunt with his fingers and my cunt just responded immediately with another orgasm imagining trying it on my piercing.

After that combination of breather and orgasm, I was ready to run the Doxy full speed and come ridiculously hard for the fifth time with the John Holmes deep inside and my feet lifting off the bed.

I texted my Master to thank him for the five orgasms and tell him that my clit was orgasmed out but that I still didn’t want to take the huge cock out of my cunt as I lay there recovering.

His reply was that I wasn’t done yet. I’d said both to five orgasms and one orgasm and I was going to ride that massive cock to one last orgasm on his orders without question or argument.

It took me a lot of willpower to get onto my knees with shaking legs and ride the cock hard enough to come because I genuinely wasn’t sure if I’d be able to manage my sixth orgasm in fifteen minutes. But somewhere I managed it before collapsing in a heap of exhaustion and lube.

He really shouldn’t encourage me to keep being so bad at maths…

Pleasing

Indecision

So I cancelled my date. Part of it was that post Christmas thing when you’ve lost the will to socialise and just want to lie in bed, but I knew there was more to it when I texted my Master to tell him.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was though. Yes, there was the slight worry that my date wouldn’t be good in bed as my Master has ruined me for life there. That made me realise I was actually quite nervous about showing off the obvious signs of my kinks to someone new.

I had no worry that he wouldn’t enjoy the pierced nipples and clit, but at the back of my mind I wondered how my stretched cunt would be received. Most men are borderline obsessed with a tight cunt and I was apprehensive about the response to my mine and the looseness I’ve worked hard at.

I love that work I’ve put in at my Master’s orders and I love how much easier I find it to come now, but I’m still cautious about having a part of my body judged especially by someone who probably doesn’t share the same kink.

I kept dithering between wanting to show my cunt off and make my Master proud and having to explain something in real life that’s incredibly personal and full of potential for misunderstanding and not knowing which side was winning: show off or shyness.

The only thing for it was to talk to my Master about it all. He knows me well enough to ask the right questions that made the whole thing make sense. I was apprehensive personally but also felt it wasn’t the right time to go on a date with someone else because I don’t feel I’m working hard enough at my submission to him at the moment.

At the back of my mind I’m very aware that I really didn’t end up ticking as many things of my Master’s list for 2016 as I’d have liked and that seeing another man outside those rules felt a bit like going out to play before I’d done my homework.

I’d discussed this a bit with my Master recently and he was happy that I was making progress elsewhere, especially with training Princess and obviously I am not going to tell him differently as he clearly knows his own mind.

But I know when I look at the list I want to make an excuse or justification for each bit I didn’t achieve and I know myself well well enough to know that as soon as I do that, I know I haven’t done my best and am disappointed in myself.

Part of it is that I am much more used to active submission to him such as explicitly kneeling in front of him that I struggle to recognise my indirect submission through things like training Princess as still being overtly submissive and am harder on myself than I should be.

So when my Master told me there’d be direct orders if I went on the date, I changed my mind again. Who know what 2017 will bring?

Indecision

Hard to Explain

It took me a while when I first met my Master to understand that he enjoyed playing games with me and D/s but that didn’t mean he wasn’t serious about those games and didn’t value them.

I was brought up with the incredibly contradictory and confusing idea that games were both ridiculously childish and yet so deadly serious that they must be won at all costs. This gave me a strong distrust of people who can’t enjoy a game but can only be competitive over them and yet made me think that to ever play games with someone was a negative thing.

I had never met people who enjoyed the skills of a game beyond winning and liked to challenge themselves through the nuances of them and use them as a social tool to bring people closer together. My experience was more people using nefarious tactics to win at all costs and thus being divisive.

I had also in my early twenties had some professional dealings with people in the kink scene who treated the idea of BDSM incredibly achingly seriously. They set very specific rules as to what made you truly kinky and allowed to play giving the whole idea an oddly exclusive feel where you were never allowed in.

This gave me the idea that you had to be the right kind of person to be kinky and I wasn’t that kind of person so I ended up stuck in the vanilla world feeling confused and out of place because those people seemed to not know what to do with me either.

Vanilla people took my genuine innate love of sex and being slutty and saw it as shallow and somehow unbecoming while the kinky people I’d met seemed to think my love of sex and sluttiness made me not serious enough. Neither group seemed to want sex to be a fun game but for different reasons.

Then I met my Master and he loves games on so many levels from the problem solving aspect of them or using them to push people out of their comfort zone to simply having fun and using them to get to know people better.

It took me a while to catch up to the idea that for him games are not manipulative or exploitative but all about uncomplicated enjoyment. No bullshit, simply having a good time and making progress as you go.

So it seems apt that when I saw him and Princess on Saturday with some friends of his, we all played a (completely non sexual) board game for entertainment which I’ve never actually done with him before.

It combined a lot of alcohol and a mix of charades and Cards Against Humanity to fit the number of us playing. I couldn’t even look at my Master when it got to my go and I turned the card over to discover my task was to describe ‘asserting your dominance’.

That’s very much my Master’s game and one he’s very good at. I definitely couldn’t compete there…

Hard to Explain

Baby Steps

My Master is a very patient man. When he started stretching me out he began very gradually beginning me with slightly larger than average toys and working me up to those butternut squashes over nearly a year.

He guided me through task after task challenging me to push myself when I thought I couldn’t manage them or wasn’t seeing the progress in the same way he was. He gave me the direction and orders and left me to do the work which is exactly how I like it.

So having tightened up a bit recently I was disappointed to have gone backwards slightly but that turned to pleasure when my Master started giving me step by step stretching tasks again as I’ve missed the submission as much as the stretching.

First he gave me a thirty minute task the other day along with videos of him flogging Princess and ordered me to make myself come with the John Holmes toy. It definitely got me started but I was still a bit disappointed that I couldn’t take the toy deeper than I managed.

So last night when he gave me a forty five minute order with the same toy, I had high hopes that it would get me back on my way. I was to make myself come after 20 minutes, 30 minutes and 45 minutes and send him photographs at each stage to show how deep I was taking the toy.

I was determined to please him and show improvement so I started myself gradually with the inflatable toy. A minute each at 10 pumps, 15, 20, 25 and right up to 30 and I was ready to take the John Holmes toy.

start-toy

I struggled to begin with needing a lot of lube to get it in and only being able to fuck myself very shallowly. But after about 10 minutes, it started sliding into my cunt which began to enjoy being fucked steadily as it stretched. By the time I came at 20 minutes, toy looked much more at home.

20-minute-toy

This time my cunt wanted fucked hard and fast for the next ten minutes so the toy made me wetter and hornier imagining my Master getting the messages. I enjoyed the feel of the toy stretching me out and filling me up and I actually came nine minutes later I was so ready for another orgasm.

30-minute-toy

At 30 minutes I had my perennial problem: my cunt was more than willing and my arms had given up being able to fulfil it. I stuck the toy to the wall and fucked myself from behind with it, pushing back as deeply as possible onto and remembering that playing this way with it on my Master’s orders made me squirt for the first time ever.

But tonight it wasn’t enough to push me into an orgasm no matter how hard I pushed against it. I took the toy down and rode it hard until the bed and my legs shook and I played with my clit piercing and I came hard with the toy buried deep inside me.

I rolled onto my back holding the toy inside me and was amazed to see how deep it stayed after three orgasms and 45 minutes of play when the rest of me couldn’t barely function.

45-minute-toy

I definitely felt like I’d made progress at that point and my Master seemed to agree telling me I’d done well. Hopefully I’ll be ready for his fist again soon…

Baby Steps

Service Resumed

Just as the rest of the world is starting to hibernate, my body is starting to wake up more. Yesterday I spent the day wearing my corset for a few hours to remind my waist what it’s supposed to be doing and just the act of lacing myself into it made me think of my Master.

I haven’t had anything inside me since his cock and I was starting to worry that my cunt would have forgotten what it had been trained for too. More than missing getting fucked, I’ve been missing being able to submit to him.

Despite actually writing this blog every day, I hadn’t really realised just how much all the small acts of repeated submission to him build up to create a structure that is so important to my life, I can’t remember what it was like before him.

So while it’s been frustrating to be unwell recently, it’s been interesting to be confronted with that realisation and made to question it. Part of me likes how naturally my submission comes to me and part of me was shocked to see how close I was coming to taking it for granted and not appreciating it enough.

Having to stop and say to my Master how much I missed that submission seemed like a good way to start it being active again. He’s been extremely thoughtful in allowing me space the last few weeks to step back from something that is usually so fundamental to how we communicate and it seemed appropriate to come back to him deliberately.

Before he could even give me small steps of submission to remind me what I’m trained to do, just having the conversation caused me to have an incredibly vivid dream about him asserting his dominance over me again.

Normally my favourite way to suck my Master’s cock is down on my knees, blindfolded and waiting for him to push his cock into my mouth as he walks into my house but this time it was even more submissive.

I dreamt that he woke me up leaning over me  knees either side of me as I lay in bed asleep with his hands against the wall and his cock in my mouth so that as I woke up it pushed further into the back of my throat.

Despite being something I would almost certainly not want to do in real life, as a dream it felt like a fantasy so vivid I could practically imagine the taste and feel of his cock in my mouth. It’s no wonder I woke up soaking wet and waiting to hear his orders for me…

Service Resumed