Self Love

When Princess had things to celebrate this week and Sir wanted to mark the occasion with a little gift there was only one thing it could be. A beautiful glossy die cast Doxy all to herself. No more begging and borrowing mine as reward for good behaviour but her very own toy any time she wants.

She almost succumbed to the temptation to use it then and there before dinner but she delayed the gratification which impressed my Master (and me) no end. It does mean we get to try my Master’s idea of blindfolding her and seeing if she can tell the difference between my Doxy and the die cast version to prove her wand slut credentials once and for all.

But it also made think how different Princess and I are when it comes to masturbation. She loves it as much as fucking, treating it variously as pure enjoyment, self care and foreplay on a regular basis to the point I can almost always guess when she might be masturbating when she’s alone (although she usually surprises me with the number of times she manages to make herself come.)

I, on the other hand, very rarely masturbate especially for myself. I do enjoy masturbation when it is part of my training and submission to my Master or to prepare me for Princess. But I honestly can’t remember the last time I masturbated on my own terms. This is isn’t just because I’m so obedient to Sir’s orders but because it’s never really been my thing.

Before I started actually fucking I did masturbate to distract me from incredibly ridiculously horny all the time I felt as a teenager. I’d probably have done a lot better in my maths GCSE if I hadn’t spent as much time playing with myself when I should have been revising but as soon as I discovered cock in real life masturbation very much fell out of fashion in my world.

Given the choice between making myself come or finding a cock that could, I always picked the cock even if it meant getting dressed, going out and listening to a lot of small talk along the way. Maybe it was laziness or the lack of sex toys in my life at the time but I never looked forward to masturbation as an event in itself.

Even now it seems like second or third best to me and I can’t imagine just masturbating because I’ve got twenty minutes spare or need to get to sleep or had a stressful day. Instead of switching my brain off to concentrate on myself like that, it seems to send me more into myself in an unhelpful way and I find it surprisingly difficult to let go into an orgasm.

Focusing on someone else however relaxes my mind and my cunt completely and makes masturbation into something else entirely. Kind of a combination of enjoyment, performance and pleasure that really turns me on because it gives the other person the opportunity to masturbate too.

There’s something utterly glorious about that thought that makes my stomach pinch in pleasure and my cunt stretch open in anticipation. It’s my kind of audience and knowing I’ve got the feedback of turning someone else switches my brain off and turns me on like nothing else.

Maybe I just need to start asking my Master for permission to play more often and see if I can time it to when Princess is using her new Doxy since that won’t be as infrequent as I am….

Self Love

Fist Plus Cock

I love writing this blog for my Master. It gives me an excellent way to relive his orders for me and indulge the part of me that likes showing off my sexual tastes and exploits.

So I was amused when he mentioned over the weekend that I had left out a part of our fucking from last week. I think he thought it had had slipped my mind, but in fact I felt it needed its own post apart from the hot wax and latex.

It might have taken me a while to take the Belladonna Bitch Fist toy for him and not until he threatened to drip hot candle wax on my cunt with that tone of slight sadism that both scares me and gets me wet in equal measure.

But once I had that big fist toy completely buried in my cunt, it felt amazing. I’m so used to fisting myself with it that I’d forgotten how glorious it is to have him handling it instead. I’d already had his fist inside twice me that day but the toy has a solidness to it that is its own turn on.

He put me on all fours, wax covered ass up in the air and fisted me hard with his other hand on my clit from behind with it and all I could do was lean on my arms and and grit my teeth as I came ridiculously hard and tried not to collapse face first into the floor.

I didn’t think it could get more intense and then he pushed me down and slipped his cock into my cunt at the same time as the fist toy. I’ve never felt anything quite like it, like being stretched open to the point of pain. It took my breath away and while a large part of me wanted to keep going to find the pace of it and enjoy it, part of me felt overwhelmed to the point of telling my Master I couldn’t take it.

There is never any question that my Master will coerce or force me into anything and the trust I have in him is because of that. But I do have a tendency to panic when confronted with new things sexually and insist I can’t do them and then promptly regret it when he stops.

My Master paused enough to let me collect my thoughts and talk to him about how it felt being that stretched and after a few seconds I still couldn’t take it and he slipped his cock out and returned to pushing me with the fist toy and his fingers on my clit instead.

He and I have never used safewords to play with and use the RACK or risk aware consensual kink style instead where we keep communicating throughout scenes and reaffirming consent. I’m more comfortable with that as safewords tend to me shout them out before I can think and then not be able to articulate why I wanted to stop once the mood has been broken.

I prefer having to stay engaged while fucking as I unless I do my mind has a tendency to wander off and leave me less able to push myself to try things. It works for us because my Master is very good at balancing consent with control and because we know each other well.

Also I have an appalling memory under any kind of pressure (like an impending orgasm) and I know I’d never actually remember what the safeword I’m meant to be using. Having to make the effort to keep communicating with my Master is physically easier if mentally challenging and helps me keep in the submissive mood.

If I take myself out of that with a jolt, I go from the adrenaline and joy of subspace to what’s known as ‘subdrop’ which is basically a bloody great comedown that tends to make me not want to try that thing again even in different circumstances. Playing this way keeps me from doing that and knowing exactly what I can take.

And while I’m disappointed I couldn’t keep my Master’s cock in my cunt at the same time as fist toy, playing that way means I was already picturing how I could take it the next time before I’d even completely undressed after he left.

I might even have spent a large chunk of the weekend thinking about it too because that little taste of being fucked and fisted at the same time has left me greedy for more….

Fist Plus Cock

Plotting

I have a mountain of work to do and I should really be doing some housework too and yet I’m doing neither. Instead I’m researching outfits and ideas for Princess to wear as part of my Master’s plan for me to transform her.

I’m taking her shopping this weekend and instructing her what to buy and it seems like an excellent way for me to learn to give orders and start choreographing scenes with a submissive to build up my skills.

I’ve been loving the dynamic of playing with Princess and my Master together recently but noticed that I find it difficult to give orders when I’m turned on. I’m so used to being submissive to my Master and have a tendency to go into what people term ‘subspace‘ which makes it hard for me to multi task.

Each person’s subspace varies and not everyone does it but for me I become a mixture of very relaxed yet very heightened in feeling and sense. My reactions are oddly slowed yet I feel everything more. Sensations that would normally be unpleasant or overwhelming become deeply enjoyable and almost soothing.

It’s a bit like a sexual equivalent of that two drink buzz when you’re relaxed enough to feel like your best self but not realise you are impaired in any way. I lose my nerves and become very focused but have a tendency to not being able to make much sound or think in linear thoughts.

Not only is it about being the right headspace of quite an intense sexual scenario that requires a lot of trust, biology means all the blood is rushing from my head to my cunt and I don’t think straight. It tends to make me very tired but giddy afterwards too.

I know some people refer to the concept of ‘top space’ too as where a Dom goes in a scene and I’m now intrigued as to how much of this is learned behaviours, personal reaction and biology. I notice my Master often gets even better at giving orders or more able to articulate himself as the scene goes on and it can last for a while after it finishes.

 

For someone like me who really struggles to make any sound while playing, I suspect this is going to take as much training in many ways as my submissiveness did. So I look forward to starting with Princess when we’re in public…

Plotting