Monogamish

Half of me wishes I’d known all the words and terms for relationships involving more than one person years ago and half of me cringes hearing them now because I have never been a fan of anything with very strict social codes.

When I met my Master he told me that his relationship with Princess was open. In my experience this was usually just the thinking man’s version of ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ or ‘we aren’t having sex’. An ‘open relationship’ to many men seems to have mutated into ‘I’m open to do what I like but my partner doesn’t know and the same rules don’t apply to her.’

But my Master doesn’t do dissembling and it was clear quite quickly even after the effects of the free bar we met at had faded that he really was in an open relationship that had agreed and defined terms between him and Princess and he was not bullshitting me with a form of performance art as fucking.

Being staggeringly un-self aware at the time (to the point where I was wondered if I was aromantic) this was a real plus point for me as my first thought about this was since he had a girlfriend there was was no danger of him developing any emotions for me (or me for him…)

I had it neatly mapped out in my head that he and I would fuck until he was bored of me, I would never really think about his girlfriend and that being compartmentalised and formal was very grown up and mature because essentially I had no idea sex and affection could co-exist. I was thinking this was the way to have cake and eat it without realising the point of cake is for it to taste good rather than just look impressive.

I was so fearful of stepping outside that ‘cool girl‘ role I’d always ended up in in that and across as negative things like ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’ or jealous that it never occurred me that people like to feel needed or like you matter to them and that most people consider emotions the standard setting in relationships no matter how informal.

I think we all know how my plan worked out. Three years later I’m disappointed I couldn’t go to Ikea with him and Princess today because I had other stuff to do. Not even sharing a bed with both of them fairly often could quite convey how much my compartments turned into feelings and commitments to both of them.

For the first six months I was still fucking other people while seeing him and then he set boundaries about that alongside gifting me my collar and I was almost relieved by those rules. Having thought I never wanted to be ‘tied down’ to be claimed felt reassuring and I had little desire to fuck anyone (except Princess on his say so.)

Branching back out into sex with other men under his orders a few months later surprised me in how uncomfortable it felt. It was like putting on an item of clothing you once loved to find it was out of fashion even though it still fit and you felt like a previous version of yourself in it. I felt strange mentioning it like going from being the slutty no boundaries fun time girl who had agreed to openness  now wanting to close things on her part was somehow reneging on my part of the deal.

A bad date ended up saying it for me and the subject of other people didn’t really come up again. I was surprised when Sir showed little interest in sex with anyone else and wasn’t sure how I’d feel if Princess wanted to date but at the same time I was aware that while I’d changed the dynamic of their marriage in some ways it wasn’t my call to make on how open they were within that.

People who love terms like ‘polycules‘ and ‘metamour‘ always bang on about how much talking is essential to non monogamous relationships of any kind and while I agree up to a point, I’m not a fan of talking for the sake of it. I like to let relationships feel natural and keep the bullet point style for therapy instead.

And sure enough in the last few weeks the subject of other people floated back into the orbit of our relationship. Sir found a potential sissy he might fuck and was invited to another threesome and Princess met a couple of women online keen to see if Tinder would offer up friends with benefits and a little exploration for them.

The thought of Sir fucking other people is hot (and the idea an ex-fuck of his wanted him to guest star just made him all the more desirable to me. No higher compliment than someone being that attracted to your partner after all.) And anything else would have been hypocrisy as that’s how I met him after all.

The idea of Princess dating caused me slightly more pause. I have generally never felt jealous. It’s an emotion I simply can’t relate to but I do have spectacular abandonment issues thanks to my fucked up childhood and I often can’t predict what will set them off. My girlfriend dating seemed like it could be a *thing* where the man who owns me fucking wasn’t.

She and I discussed it and something felt like it wasn’t quite right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was I secretly struggling with her fucking other people? Like 90% of my useful thoughts it came when I was washing up. That not quite in place feeling wasn’t jealousy or abandonment or feeling left out. It was feeling like I *should* feel those things when I didn’t. It was the same feeling of being in the wrong room and not knowing how to excuse myself I got when I tried to be monogamous in the past.

Both my Master and I have had the time and opportunity to explore our sexuality and sexual preferences in the way that forms you who you are as a person. Princess being younger and flipping the script round to have found life partners early on hasn’t had that and I would hate to deny her that chance we both so revelled in.

For queer kinky people who and why you fuck like you do is often so intrinsically wrapped up in your personality and your social life that it’s basically your hobby as well as your way to pleasure. It’s the basis of how you discover who you are and it would be really weird if I objected to Princess doing this in a sexual context but approved of her going to a book group in comparison. By determining her hobbies and opportunities I’d be clipping her wings and the thought of doing that was what was sitting so awkwardly.

Once I’d realised that the itchy scratchy feeling I had subsided. I also imagined straight or monogamous people asking me was I not worried she’d meet someone else and chuckling because frankly it’s damn near impossible to meet someone on Tinder or online even if you make it your life’s work. Plus I know just how underwhelming most casual fucks are in bed. There was nothing to fear.

In fact I walked Princess to her date and went home with no worries at all. My only interest was whether she had fun. I didn’t spend my evening tormenting myself picturing her in bed with someone else or catastrophizing in any way. I watched Coronation Street in bed which was frankly more dramatic than my thoughts and hope the casual sex she was having lived up to her expectations.

Spoiler alert: she’ll probably do it again so clearly it wasn’t a disaster but she didn’t have much to say. It sounded remarkably like book group in that respect. I have no issues with her or my Master fucking other people casually and the whole relationship being open in that respect.

But in seeing that happen I realised I have no interest in fucking anyone else myself unless actively involves my Master and Princess being there with me. It turns out for me casual sex involves me being emotionally closed and the openness I need in my relationship is developing that side of me that is open with feelings and love.

That’s the bit my slutty past never taught me when I was picking up sexual skills and good anecdotes and it’s something only my Master and Princess can show me. Turns out I’m soppy, sentimental and my version of romantic with the right people (and my prior lack of awareness was that I was dating dickheads and hanging around with people with personality disorders.)

I just hadn’t realised til now that with all those terms for non monogamy there was more than one way to be open in a relationship…

Monogamish

Pump It Up

Something I’ve only learned since starting my relationship with my Master and Princess that very often it’s the talking you do before and after sex where you learn the most and get the best ideas for next time. So when Princess mentioned having seen a pussy pump in some porn recently I filed the mention away in my kink brain.

Without telling her I had ready for my Master to use during the wax play scene recently but unsurprisingly we didn’t get round to it with everything else going on. So it remained a surprise for Princess until I couldn’t wait any longer and wanted to have my wicked way with her.

I told her to be naked and blindfolded on my bed when I got back from the bathroom so she was ready and waiting for me. I can’t tell if it was brattiness or obedience that had her on her knees waiting for her surprise, but I soon corrected that and had her on back with her legs apart instead.

I teased her by trailing my nails up and down her cunt and thighs and biting the marks I left. Making sure her whole body was sensitive and her cunt was getting wet, I distracted her with a slap to her cunt and then while she was squirming, I put the pump on and started to tighten it.

Her whole body managed to relax at the same time as standing to attention with the force of the suction. It was a masterclass in sexual body language and like the good little slut she is, she knew instantly what I was doing to her cunt guessing correctly it was a pump. Even when she begged me to stop because the pressure was so intense, I was still so proud I had to reward her.

I’ve never seen her cunt so swollen and her clit so begging to be played with. I slipped two fingers into her and I’ve rarely felt her wetter either. I paused just long enough to take a photo to let her be able to see her cunt later in its full swollen glory and then it took less than a minute of playing with her clit for her to come. I’ve certainly never felt her come so fast.

I played a little more with the pump using it to tease her nipples while using the Doxy on her clit this time and it produced the kind of orgasm that leaves someone broken afterwards. I was in love with this toy and keen to use it on myself to find out if I was missing out on being the one in charge for once.

Thinking back to using it on Princess made me horny as hell and I texted Sir asking permission to play with it on myself. He told me to tell him in detail how I’d used it in on Princess to see if I’d earned my orgasm with it. Clearly I had impressed him because he not only allowed me to play but told me to do to myself what I’d done to Princess.

I’ve spent a lot of happy hours blindfolded at Sir’s orders but I’m not sure I’ve ever blindfolded myself to masturbate and it made me even wetter than I was already. With a little bit of lube and the right the pump was extremely easy to use on myself and I could see why Princess had almost lifted off the bed.

The suction feels incredible like every nerve ending in your whole body, not just your cunt has been woken up. It’s like a combination of having your cunt held and licked at the same time with the delicious bite of discomfort of a sharp smack. I absolutely loved it and it took almost nothing to make me come afterwards.

My cunt was certainly plumped and swollen after the suction and the orgasm but not quite to Princess’s standards so when Sir told me to use it again, I was intrigued to see what would happen. This time I could take the full power for longer but my whole cunt felt like it was tingling with sensations like tiny firecrackers of arousal afterwards as I played with my clit straight into an excellent orgasm.

I was loving the effect the toy was having on me and my Master. All my favourite things combined with pressure, pleasure-pain and orders creating orgasms and I wanted to see how far I could push myself. Luckily so did Sir and he told me to use it a third time for him. Usually I’d be struggling a little bit to come so repeatedly from a toy rather than penetration but this toy was making it easy.

The third time I pulled the suction tight my cunt really went for it swelling right into it so my clit was exposed and the piercing pulled against it in the most incredible way. I wasn’t sure if I’d even manage to take the toy off before I came I felt so tender and turned on. In the end the toy pulled off my cunt breaking its own suction from pulling so hard and tight and I only needed to brush my fingers against my clit before I came.

Pussy pump on pierced clit

And that point I’m not sure I could have come again no matter how hard Sir ordered me to because my body and cunt were overloaded in the best possible way. My cunt was still swollen and throbbing every time I brushed against it hours later, waking me twice in the night and giving me incredibly vivid dreams.

I can’t wait to have Sir use the toy on me to push the pleasure-pain further and then have Princess’s tongue on my clit when it feels almost exposed with how turned on I am. And then when I can take no more of it, we just start pushing Princess that far too…

Pump It Up

Hot Wax

My Master and I have had many many kinky conversations but like they say, you always remember your first. And out first ever filthy chat focused quite heavily on the thought of hot wax.

We discussed it several times in the early days of our relationship (back when I was being a slow learner and hadn’t realised we were properly doing D/s) and I actually bought a big bag of soy wax in anticipation.

And then we got sidetracked with all the other ridiculously fun and filthy kink over the last three years and the bag of wax got forgotten about until a recent clear out brought it to mind again.

It is testament to how much I was determined not to miss hot wax with my Master this time that I actually sent him a specific date I had in mind for it and more or less gave him an order for the first time in our relationship.

Life has got in the way of my Master and I doing any full D/s for a few months and I’ve been missing it. Submission doesn’t just turn me on but sort of recharges my emotional batteries too so for me the scene started long before Sir got to my house.

Researching how best to melt the wax and what to apply it with, picking out what to wear or not wear on the night, incorporating Princess into what I was setting up and then laying out my living room so that it was as close to a dungeon as I can get it meant my excitement built all week.

By the time I was getting dressed for Sir with full slutty make up designed to smudge and smear over the scene for Princess, I had that excitement that you can feel in both your stomach and your cunt. I was the tiniest bit worried I’d built the anticipation up too much as I knelt blindfolded re-acquainting myself with John Holmes for the first time in months as I waited for them to arrive.

I think it was about thirty seconds in when I realised the evening was in fact going to exceed my wildest expectations. My Master started me off by sitting back in my armchair glass of whisky in his hand letting me find his cock with my mouth.

Not only did his cock taste particularly good but he pulled me deeper down on it than I can usually manage by raking his hands through my hair and up and down my back and shoulders which made melt down onto his cock like I couldn’t get enough. Just as I was so blissed I could barely move my mouth round him, he swapped places with Princess and I buried myself in her lap too.

Sir ordered us both onto the floor on our knees and took turns fucking us. He filled me up with his cock and left me wanting more as he pulled Princess on top of him with her ass in the air and told me to use her as my toy. It was time to get the temperature play part of the evening going.

Alongside my hot wax I’d laid out an ice bucket and buried my favourite curved glass butt plug inside it. I left Princess’s ass hot and stinging after a few hard slaps and then pressed the ice cold toy against her. She took the toy in one go and sat down so hard on Sir’s cock I was envious of how filled up she was.

They didn’t leave me for long though, working together as Princess put me in the spreader bar as Sir tied my hands and arms so I was flat on my back, legs spread wide and unable to stop either of them from doing anything to me. I was completely naked, totally immobile and very vulnerable.

It was exactly the moment I wasn’t sure if I could take the pain I thought would be coming and I almost wanted to safe word before we’d even begun. This amount of anticipation after a whole week of waiting was unbearable. I was so wrapped up in in that moment I almost didn’t notice the first drip of wax for a second until a sting of beeswax brought me out of my thoughts and right into the scene.

I didn’t have more than a split second to breathe in before a warm wave of hot wax washed over me. Smoother softer cooler soy wax felt like pure pleasure on my skin. I could feel myself slide into subspace where my body and mind feel incredibly sensitive and attuned yet in soft focus.

Sir flicked and dripped the wax over my tits, warming my nipple piercings with residual heat which gave me much more sensation than I ever get there especially as Princess was flicking her tongue over my clit at the same time. I was just basking on ripples of warmth and orgasms as the sensations built with layers of hardening wax.

It was the first time my Master and Princess have worked together on a kink scene where I am doing active submission rather than just being submissive as I fuck and it felt like being passed from hand to hand if they weren’t letting my feet touch the ground like floating completely securely.

The wax kept coming running and dripping down my torso and arms, flicking onto my legs and tightening as it dried. I knew my Master and Princess were taking turns with it concentrating in places while alternating with bright hot splashes of the beeswax anytime I looked like I was starting to zone too far out.

Usually when I submit to Sir I am very quiet, almost non verbal but this scene pushed me out of that habit because I knew that to keep this pleasure coming I needed to give feedback as it was so unlike anything we’ve played with before. I’ve always thought that talking during a scene would take me out of it but in fact I discovered it enhanced everything.

Although maybe my Master also likes me silent because he gave Princess the order to use the Doxy on me at this point. The way she pulsed it and pressed it against my cunt made me lose my voice into the pull of five orgasms one after like a complete slut as the wax ran across my bare cunt feeling exactly like the warmth of squirting.

I was utterly spent. And my Master and Princess were just ready to get started on each other. I lay back watching as Sir slid his cock into Princess’s stretched welcoming ass and fucked her so hard they both collapsed into me as he came into her.

It was the perfect way to crack the wax they’d worked so hard to build up so that when they untied me and pulled me up off the floor there was a perfect line of wax around my body to prove how we’d spent two kinky hours that were more than worth the wait….

wax lines

Hot Wax

Go Faster Stripes

I’m not sure it was entirely down to shaving my legs but I’ve definitely come back to life a bit recently. Smooth skin definitely got my brain going if not my cunt and I felt the urge to start texting smut chat to Sir again.

There was definite excitement on Saturday when I arranged my first proper trip out of the house since New Year to go Master and Princess’s house. Lying in bed during the day resting a tiny bit of me felt like I should be sensible and make sure I didn’t over do it too soon. The rest of me was absolutely adamant that even if it landed me back in bed for the foreseeable I was going to fuck them when I was there.

The only thing of any warmth and interest I’ve touched in weeks has been my electric blanket and it’s a very poor substitute for the feel of my two favourite people pressed against me. I told Sir I was hoping to get naked again after getting dressed to come to theirs and wore my favourite fuck me boots to be sure I had made my point when I arrived.

Honestly I’d have been quite content to walk in their front door shedding clothes with each step and straight into their bed but Sir hasn’t lost his love of making me wait. He poured drinks and cooked an excellent dinner and left me to squirm on the sofa the whole time. I was so close to discovering my inner brat and actually begging him to fuck me when Princess let her brat flag fly and started sucking his cock while he laughed at how eager we both were.

She and I took turns to suck his cock and it was the oddest thing. I felt completely out of practice. His cock tasted and felt familiar but instead of that muscle memory of knowing a long term lover’s body I felt like I was starting all over again like I’d never sucked a cock before. And not just with him but I couldn’t get my position or rhythm with Princess’s cunt either. It was like I was a beginner again.

I always love when my Master takes charge and I needed it even more than usual as he ordered me how to kneel and what to do and pulled me onto his chest to kiss me so I couldn’t have moved away even if I wanted to. Which I didn’t. Him kissing me so hard he almost bit my lips brought me back into the pace of playing with both of them as I rediscovered the feel of them both.

I love that state. Sort of blissed out on sex and submission and open to anything Sir tells me. So when he led me over the kitchen table and bent me over it I didn’t care how much I needed to contort myself to take his cock. Or how hard he was fucking me against the edge of the table. Nor how high in the air I had to hold my legs up when he put me on the table under Princess’s cunt and kept his cock deep inside me.

I was drunk on dick and her taste barely registering what they were doing just drinking in the feeling of it all. Sir brought me right back by coming on my cunt so it dripped down onto the table while Princess licked my clit on her hands and knees with her naked ass and cunt right up against the kitchen window for all the street to see.

It felt amazing. And even better next day when I had stripes of bruising on my upper thighs where Sir had fucked me so hard against the table it had left marks. I love those markers of sex. I love the smell of someone on me next day, the feeling that my legs were pushed apart, the sensation that my cunt was fucked raw the night before.

I felt it in the ache of my muscles afterwards and the bruises that kept developing and the sheer sense that as well as being sated with orgasms, touching and fucking and playing with my Master and Princess somehow feels like being back to myself after feeling distant while the only warm touch in my life had been with my electric blanket.

Each little ache and mark reminded me that it’s like coming home to sex after a long vacation…

Go Faster Stripes

Fuzzy

Not only is my brain still fuzzy from being ill, so is the rest of my body. Being stuck in bed all week saving my energy to have a shower doesn’t give me most energy wiggle room for the other bits of the work that goes into my usual femme self.

So while I’d never judge anyone else for choosing not to shave, I feel like I’m wearing the wrong skin when I don’t. I don’t feel cute or empowered by casting off the patriarchy’s shackles of not shaving. I just feel furry and un-femme.

And a month of being stuck in bed with not much more to do then watch my leg hair grow has made me realise just how much of my sexual energy is linked to the confidence I feel in my femme presentation. Having my hair *just* right, my legs and cunt smooth and my nails polished makes me feel sexual. It’s as much lubrication for flirting and feeling sexual as my actual cunt getting wet.

So I know I’m coming back to life sexually when I start to get the itch to shave smooth again. I always dither between where to start. Do I start from my ankles and work up to my cunt in order and anticipation? Or use a trimmer to reveal my cunt lips again after them feeling so covered up for weeks and then wet shave everything in one go until my skin is so smooth and sleek it almost squeaks?

Either way I know the feel of my skin sliding against the sheets at night starts to wake my brain up so my dreams get interesting again. It starts imagining being pressed against Sir’s chest hair as he fucks me or running my hands over those fine golden hairs on Princess’s thighs as she holds the Doxy against her clit. When those dreams start leading to orgasms in my sleep then it definitely bodes well for how my body will behaves during the day too.

It’s amazing how sharp a razor make you feel…

Fuzzy

Dry January

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to type it’s been so long since I blogged. I gave myself some time off over Christmas since I thought you’d be all be too busy for reading and I ended up sidetracked by socialising myself.

In fact I saw the New Year licking Princess to orgasm on the kitchen table in eye line of her neighbour’s NYE party and then marvelled how much things have changed in the three years since I started fucking Sir that I spent New Year’s Day with him and Princess in our pyjamas rather than being ragingly kinky and rather liking how things have developed between us in that time.

Then I came home to sleep the seasonal fun off and haven’t really got out of bed since. Not out of laziness but with a relapse of my chronic illness laying me up. Admittedly if there’s any month being stuck at home doesn’t mean too much FOMO, it’s January when everyone else is out of the pub or in the gym but it’s still left me too ill to write and more to the point, with nothing much to write about for a while.

I’ve no interest in booze and my cunt is closed for business and drier than all the social media hashtags possible. I feel like I’ve forgotten what orgasms are while my body conserves its energy like a very very slowly charging battery. It’s both incredibly boring and oddly interesting having so much time to just think.

When you can’t do things the usual way you have to think outside the box. With chronic illness this can mean pacing the way you do the washing up or adapting ways to wash your hair or other practical things, but sometimes it means having to alter how you interact with the people in your life.

I find it easier at times to be more myself and less Candi with Princess. A lot of that is because I have years of experience of close female friendships and some of our relationship just feels like an extension of that whereas I have very little experience of male friendship and even less of the way you get to know men when you date them long term.

At times that formality between me and Sir has been compounded by the nature of a D/s relationship which often relies on strict rules and a defined way of interacting. Being a slow learner, it’s taken me a while to learn that the game of D/s that my Master and I play together isn’t less important or serious if I don’t play it all the time.

Not only is ok to know when to step outside the game, but sometimes it’s essential to do so. I always trusted my Master from the first time we met but it’s taken me a long time to trust myself in this relationship because I don’t come from a background of reliable people with my best interests at heart.

I had to go slowly to make sure my mind was catching up with how quickly my gut instinct and cunt were making decisions for me and my Master has always allowed me to go at that pace while always encouraging me that I can push myself further than I think. Most of that came through kink and D/s and I can’t think of a more enjoyable way to work on myself (especially compared to my therapy sessions each week) and I never want to give that side of Sir and I’s relationship up.

But recently I’ve realised that I haven’t been pushing myself enough outside the kink with Sir and behaving like we’re dating as well as doing D/s. And without doing that it means I can’t keep pushing myself with being submissive with him because submission is so rooted in trust and intimacy that I have to keep building on that instead of standing still.

So while I physically can’t get kinky, I’m pushing myself to be submissive by showing the side of me isn’t just Candi to her Master. Not just wearing latex and corsets but sometimes being ill in front of him in an oversized hoodie on the sofa or texting him about his week or just spending time together doing nothing.

All things I do in front of Princess because I love and trust her (and because she doesn’t give me any choice because she might be tiny but she’s tough on me) and all things I should do with Sir because if I love him and trust him enough to tie me up, drip hot wax on me or permanently alter my body for him, then I need to learn other ways to be intimate with him.

Also I’m pretty sure if he sees me with unwashed hair and ugly slippers while I’m ill, he’ll appreciate me dressed up in full corset and wig even more when I’m back to full health…

Dry January