The Beast With Two Backs

I had fun writing about how sex and laughter go together and it felt like the perfect opportunity to describe one of the funniest sexual experiences I’ve ever had for this week’s Thursday nostalgia post.

There’s a trope with online dating that all men lie about their height and say they are 6 foot. Despite being a fairly early adopter of online dating, I’d never had it happen to me and so secretly wondered if it was really true.

I am fairly ambivalent about men’s heights and I rarely looked too much at them in the descriptions on online profiles so didn’t really notice that the guy I’d arranged to meet for drinks was exactly 6 foot tall. Plus I was distracted by the fact I was running late for our date because I was stuck behind Hare Krishnas on Oxford Street on a day that was unexpectedly too warm for the boots I was wearing.

I arrived fifteen minutes late, incredibly flustered and slightly sweaty to find him sitting as cool as cucumber in the dark basement bar I’d picked out and he stood up from the stool and I realised I’d met my first fake six footer in the flesh. Except this guy just kept going as he stood up. He’d lied to make himself seem smaller than his full 6 foot 6 inches.

Turns out women can be a bit Goldilocks when it comes to height and like their men not too small, not too tall but just right. I on the other hand just like them funny and quite filthy so we hit it off immediately and spent the rest of the afternoon getting quite drunk before deciding to go back to mine to fuck.

We tumbled tipsily through my front door in broad daylight and started getting frisky on the sofa quite quickly. I’d just had a glimpse of his well muscled and heavily tattooed lower legs and felt his very well sized erection against my thigh when we realised we had no condoms.  He very chivalrously put his jeans back on and went out to the shop to buy some.

While he was doing so I realised I was less co ordinated through booze than I’d thought and having difficulty getting my boots off. Not wanting to end up flustered and sweaty in front of him for the second time that day, I used the doorstep to pull them off and slipped out of my skinny jeans too so that when he arrived back he only had to pull my knickers down and put the condom on so we could fuck.

I might not be a height queen per se but I do love the weight of a man on top of me. Something about it makes me want to sink into the bed, wrap my legs round his back to pull him deeper inside me to maximise the weight and make sure he fucks me all the harder.

And with a guy this tall and well built, I was in my element. That delicious weight going straight to my cunt. I had my legs almost round his neck and my eyes closed enjoying that filled up being fucked senseless feeling when something felt odd enough to make me open my eyes. And just as I did I saw a fairly well sized slug drop from my curled in pleasure toes onto his bare back.

I tried to manoeuvre my foot down a little bit as if changing position to see if I could brush the slug off onto the bed but it turns out slugs are less malleable than you might think for a strip of muscle. My cover up attempt just managed to push the slug onto his arse cheeks.

I don’t know if he felt it on him or because the thought of it all began to give me the giggles in that way that makes it hard to breathe without laughing more, but he opened his eyes too at this point and saw my foot still trying to flick the slug away and asked if everything was ok.

It’s hard not to be compulsively honest with someone when you’re quite drunk and they’ve got their dick inside you and between sobs of laughter I managed to tell him there was a rogue slug on his bare arse. I think I even managed to explain that it must have come from the doorstep when I had taken my boots off.

He took it better than I expected, alternately reaching his hand behind him and trying to seek out the slug and leaning his weight back on it so he could keep fucking me. It was quite something watching such a big burly man battle his horniness and his disgust. But despite twisting and turning and slug hunting, he kept fucking me in a deep steady rhythm that actually managed to make me less hysterical and make me come.

A combination of calming me down and feeling me come round his cock made him come hard and collapse on top of me rather than hold himself up anymore. For a few moments I wasn’t sure if he was still coming or laughing and then I realised when he flapped his hand behind him again that he was in fact laughing almost as hard as I had been earlier.

This set me off again and we lay like this for several minutes before he managed to pick himself up and we found the offending slug cosied up in the duvet. I brought a tissue for the condom and one for the slug and both went in the bin while he showered any snail trails off him.

I expected him to shower and make his excuses to get away from crazy slug lady but not only did he come back to bed we met up again four or five times again as fuck buddies. He never let me live it down though making me go on top and keep my feet where he could see them next time…

The Beast With Two Backs

Got the Giggles

In many ways I take sex very seriously. It’s a massive part of my relationship with my Master and Princess, it’s been the source of many of my biggest life events, a way to meet people and one of my most long enjoyed hobbies. I’m the sexual equivalent of those people you’d describe as a ‘foodie’.

Yet I also have a tendency to laugh while I’m having sex. Not at anyone I’m having sex with I hasten to add because that would make me an asshole above anything else but I have always found laughter during around having sex a fundamental part of how I have sex.

Part of this is because sex is intrinsically hilarious to me if you think about it. Imagine yourself describing the act of sex to an alien that had just landed from outer space and didn’t understand humanity. It sounds both baffling and hilarious when you spell the whole thing out as something we do for pleasure (and spend so much our energies on generally.)

Sex involves doing intimate and slightly awkward things with other people and it’s fraught with the possibility of embarrassment and vulnerability and definitely some bodily fluids. All these things can be nerve wracking and the best antidote to that is laughter. If you can’t laugh with someone you probably shouldn’t be naked with them is a rule I’ve always lived life by.

And sex is fun. People laugh when they are having fun. It’s a natural part of human interaction and for me it really adds to the enjoyment of sex. It’s the bit that smoothes over the fact I can’t tell my left from right when I’m trying to get into a certain position or makes the moment I fell off on the bed funny rather than a break in the proceedings. And it’s really the only way to handle it when someone else walks in on you mid fuck.

But I also laugh when I’m out of my depth sexually and want to make myself feel less awkward. Giggling is a reflex when I’m not sure how to else to respond. Like when Princess sticks her tongue in my mouth or licks my face. I dissolve into the kind of laughing that means I just don’t have any other ideas what to do. It’s as bratty as I can get basically squirming away from that or when my Master touches the soles of my feet.

I used to be so super serious submissive with him that I was practically formal. Some of that trying to concentrate on the specific kinky act we were up to at the time because for example bursting out laughing when someone is trying to fist you is incredibly off putting. But a lot of it was because the kink and BDSM scene talks about kinkiness as something almost sacredly serious that can never be light hearted or you aren’t doing it ‘properly’.

For someone who takes sex and submission seriously in that it’s an intrinsic part of who I am and who had struggled to feel kinky ‘enough’ for a long time, the idea of not being seen to serve my Master ‘properly’ really bothered me. It was important to prove that my submission was serious and that my Master mattered to me and I didn’t think I could do that if I was giggly or silly while I submitted.

I’m not suggesting that I start doing stand up or making puppets out of rope while I’m submitting to Sir, but I really like that I’m getting better at being more light hearted with him. We’ve always been good at teasing each other while we’re fully dressed but I like that I don’t feel like I don’t have to be so stiff and formal any more to perform my submission. Instead I feel more confident in being able to be kinky in the way I feel comfortable with.

Also it seems ridiculous that since my Master and Princess make me happy in so many others that I wouldn’t show that while we’re actually being sexual. Plus I’m sure that getting the giggles helps with orgasms too…

 

Got the Giggles