Monogamish

Half of me wishes I’d known all the words and terms for relationships involving more than one person years ago and half of me cringes hearing them now because I have never been a fan of anything with very strict social codes.

When I met my Master he told me that his relationship with Princess was open. In my experience this was usually just the thinking man’s version of ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ or ‘we aren’t having sex’. An ‘open relationship’ to many men seems to have mutated into ‘I’m open to do what I like but my partner doesn’t know and the same rules don’t apply to her.’

But my Master doesn’t do dissembling and it was clear quite quickly even after the effects of the free bar we met at had faded that he really was in an open relationship that had agreed and defined terms between him and Princess and he was not bullshitting me with a form of performance art as fucking.

Being staggeringly un-self aware at the time (to the point where I was wondered if I was aromantic) this was a real plus point for me as my first thought about this was since he had a girlfriend there was was no danger of him developing any emotions for me (or me for him…)

I had it neatly mapped out in my head that he and I would fuck until he was bored of me, I would never really think about his girlfriend and that being compartmentalised and formal was very grown up and mature because essentially I had no idea sex and affection could co-exist. I was thinking this was the way to have cake and eat it without realising the point of cake is for it to taste good rather than just look impressive.

I was so fearful of stepping outside that ‘cool girl‘ role I’d always ended up in in that and across as negative things like ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’ or jealous that it never occurred me that people like to feel needed or like you matter to them and that most people consider emotions the standard setting in relationships no matter how informal.

I think we all know how my plan worked out. Three years later I’m disappointed I couldn’t go to Ikea with him and Princess today because I had other stuff to do. Not even sharing a bed with both of them fairly often could quite convey how much my compartments turned into feelings and commitments to both of them.

For the first six months I was still fucking other people while seeing him and then he set boundaries about that alongside gifting me my collar and I was almost relieved by those rules. Having thought I never wanted to be ‘tied down’ to be claimed felt reassuring and I had little desire to fuck anyone (except Princess on his say so.)

Branching back out into sex with other men under his orders a few months later surprised me in how uncomfortable it felt. It was like putting on an item of clothing you once loved to find it was out of fashion even though it still fit and you felt like a previous version of yourself in it. I felt strange mentioning it like going from being the slutty no boundaries fun time girl who had agreed to openness  now wanting to close things on her part was somehow reneging on my part of the deal.

A bad date ended up saying it for me and the subject of other people didn’t really come up again. I was surprised when Sir showed little interest in sex with anyone else and wasn’t sure how I’d feel if Princess wanted to date but at the same time I was aware that while I’d changed the dynamic of their marriage in some ways it wasn’t my call to make on how open they were within that.

People who love terms like ‘polycules‘ and ‘metamour‘ always bang on about how much talking is essential to non monogamous relationships of any kind and while I agree up to a point, I’m not a fan of talking for the sake of it. I like to let relationships feel natural and keep the bullet point style for therapy instead.

And sure enough in the last few weeks the subject of other people floated back into the orbit of our relationship. Sir found a potential sissy he might fuck and was invited to another threesome and Princess met a couple of women online keen to see if Tinder would offer up friends with benefits and a little exploration for them.

The thought of Sir fucking other people is hot (and the idea an ex-fuck of his wanted him to guest star just made him all the more desirable to me. No higher compliment than someone being that attracted to your partner after all.) And anything else would have been hypocrisy as that’s how I met him after all.

The idea of Princess dating caused me slightly more pause. I have generally never felt jealous. It’s an emotion I simply can’t relate to but I do have spectacular abandonment issues thanks to my fucked up childhood and I often can’t predict what will set them off. My girlfriend dating seemed like it could be a *thing* where the man who owns me fucking wasn’t.

She and I discussed it and something felt like it wasn’t quite right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was I secretly struggling with her fucking other people? Like 90% of my useful thoughts it came when I was washing up. That not quite in place feeling wasn’t jealousy or abandonment or feeling left out. It was feeling like I *should* feel those things when I didn’t. It was the same feeling of being in the wrong room and not knowing how to excuse myself I got when I tried to be monogamous in the past.

Both my Master and I have had the time and opportunity to explore our sexuality and sexual preferences in the way that forms you who you are as a person. Princess being younger and flipping the script round to have found life partners early on hasn’t had that and I would hate to deny her that chance we both so revelled in.

For queer kinky people who and why you fuck like you do is often so intrinsically wrapped up in your personality and your social life that it’s basically your hobby as well as your way to pleasure. It’s the basis of how you discover who you are and it would be really weird if I objected to Princess doing this in a sexual context but approved of her going to a book group in comparison. By determining her hobbies and opportunities I’d be clipping her wings and the thought of doing that was what was sitting so awkwardly.

Once I’d realised that the itchy scratchy feeling I had subsided. I also imagined straight or monogamous people asking me was I not worried she’d meet someone else and chuckling because frankly it’s damn near impossible to meet someone on Tinder or online even if you make it your life’s work. Plus I know just how underwhelming most casual fucks are in bed. There was nothing to fear.

In fact I walked Princess to her date and went home with no worries at all. My only interest was whether she had fun. I didn’t spend my evening tormenting myself picturing her in bed with someone else or catastrophizing in any way. I watched Coronation Street in bed which was frankly more dramatic than my thoughts and hope the casual sex she was having lived up to her expectations.

Spoiler alert: she’ll probably do it again so clearly it wasn’t a disaster but she didn’t have much to say. It sounded remarkably like book group in that respect. I have no issues with her or my Master fucking other people casually and the whole relationship being open in that respect.

But in seeing that happen I realised I have no interest in fucking anyone else myself unless actively involves my Master and Princess being there with me. It turns out for me casual sex involves me being emotionally closed and the openness I need in my relationship is developing that side of me that is open with feelings and love.

That’s the bit my slutty past never taught me when I was picking up sexual skills and good anecdotes and it’s something only my Master and Princess can show me. Turns out I’m soppy, sentimental and my version of romantic with the right people (and my prior lack of awareness was that I was dating dickheads and hanging around with people with personality disorders.)

I just hadn’t realised til now that with all those terms for non monogamy there was more than one way to be open in a relationship…

Monogamish

Got the Giggles

In many ways I take sex very seriously. It’s a massive part of my relationship with my Master and Princess, it’s been the source of many of my biggest life events, a way to meet people and one of my most long enjoyed hobbies. I’m the sexual equivalent of those people you’d describe as a ‘foodie’.

Yet I also have a tendency to laugh while I’m having sex. Not at anyone I’m having sex with I hasten to add because that would make me an asshole above anything else but I have always found laughter during around having sex a fundamental part of how I have sex.

Part of this is because sex is intrinsically hilarious to me if you think about it. Imagine yourself describing the act of sex to an alien that had just landed from outer space and didn’t understand humanity. It sounds both baffling and hilarious when you spell the whole thing out as something we do for pleasure (and spend so much our energies on generally.)

Sex involves doing intimate and slightly awkward things with other people and it’s fraught with the possibility of embarrassment and vulnerability and definitely some bodily fluids. All these things can be nerve wracking and the best antidote to that is laughter. If you can’t laugh with someone you probably shouldn’t be naked with them is a rule I’ve always lived life by.

And sex is fun. People laugh when they are having fun. It’s a natural part of human interaction and for me it really adds to the enjoyment of sex. It’s the bit that smoothes over the fact I can’t tell my left from right when I’m trying to get into a certain position or makes the moment I fell off on the bed funny rather than a break in the proceedings. And it’s really the only way to handle it when someone else walks in on you mid fuck.

But I also laugh when I’m out of my depth sexually and want to make myself feel less awkward. Giggling is a reflex when I’m not sure how to else to respond. Like when Princess sticks her tongue in my mouth or licks my face. I dissolve into the kind of laughing that means I just don’t have any other ideas what to do. It’s as bratty as I can get basically squirming away from that or when my Master touches the soles of my feet.

I used to be so super serious submissive with him that I was practically formal. Some of that trying to concentrate on the specific kinky act we were up to at the time because for example bursting out laughing when someone is trying to fist you is incredibly off putting. But a lot of it was because the kink and BDSM scene talks about kinkiness as something almost sacredly serious that can never be light hearted or you aren’t doing it ‘properly’.

For someone who takes sex and submission seriously in that it’s an intrinsic part of who I am and who had struggled to feel kinky ‘enough’ for a long time, the idea of not being seen to serve my Master ‘properly’ really bothered me. It was important to prove that my submission was serious and that my Master mattered to me and I didn’t think I could do that if I was giggly or silly while I submitted.

I’m not suggesting that I start doing stand up or making puppets out of rope while I’m submitting to Sir, but I really like that I’m getting better at being more light hearted with him. We’ve always been good at teasing each other while we’re fully dressed but I like that I don’t feel like I don’t have to be so stiff and formal any more to perform my submission. Instead I feel more confident in being able to be kinky in the way I feel comfortable with.

Also it seems ridiculous that since my Master and Princess make me happy in so many others that I wouldn’t show that while we’re actually being sexual. Plus I’m sure that getting the giggles helps with orgasms too…

 

Got the Giggles

Door to Door

Princess and I waited in for a parcel the other day marvelling at the modern joys of being able to track your Amazon deliveries on your phone. I was an early adopter of online shopping but even a few years ago, you just had to be in to get the package or you spent weeks tracking it down from some netherworld it went to past your front door.

I was blissfully unaware of this fact as I was spending a lot of time in the house unwell and rarely out and about. My (very nice) neighbour took advantage of this fact to get all her parcels delivered to my house and then she’d pop round for them while I got to flirt with the courier.

Because she ordered from the same catalogue or company a lot it was always the same courier from the same place and he often dropped four or five parcels off a week so at one point I think I saw him more frequently than anyone else and it definitely built from casual flirting into that more directed going somewhere comments.

He was not my type per se in that he was quite short and slight of build but in that way that you know is actually pure sinewy muscle and suppleness underneath that men build casually from life rather than deliberately in a gym. I find this much more appealing that the bulkiness of a gym bunny and combined with being cheekily arrogant, it definitely caught my eye.

I’m not sure if I was the outrageous flirt or he was or we brought it out in each other but as he passed the parcels over to me we’d manage to casually reference his cock in a way that most likely would cause him to get fired in most workplace assessments. My mind was as well acquainted with how I pictured him naked as him in his work clothes actually doing his job.

After about a year of this almost daily sexually charged catching up I didn’t see him for about a month and I was slightly disappointed. Perhaps my neighbour had gone bankrupt and stopped rinsing the Littlewoods catalogue dry five times a week. Maybe he’d left his job. Or I was getting a bit creepy and he’d changed his route. There were still other couriers but it wasn’t quite the same.

Then one late afternoon the doorbell rang and there he was, no corporate polo shirt and cap but a t-shirt showing that lithe muscly body. He explained he’d moved job but was passing by before moving to the other side of town and then paused on the doorstep. I stepped back and let him in. I knew he hadn’t come to chit chat about the gig economy in London. He’d come to fuck.

As soon as he was in my living room with the door closed so the neighbours couldn’t see this home delivery, he kissed me hard and I gave thanks that I rarely wear many clothes in the house. He sank down on my sofa while I stood between his knees and pulled his jeans down just far enough that the tip of his cock was visible reaching out of his underwear .

And it was exactly how I imagined. Against the shape and sleekness of his body his cock looked huge and incredibly appealing. It took willpower to walk away from it to get some condoms from my bedroom but when I came back he was completely naked, lying back on the sofa cock in hand.

He pulled me down onto his lap, carefully stopping my greedy cunt from trying to grind against that gorgeous cock and pulled my top off so I was naked except for a tiny pair of panties. He ran his hands over my body as I squirmed toward him more and tried to get the chance to suck the tip of his cock.

He teased me just long enough before slipping my knickers off and rolling the condom on and pulling me down hard onto him. With my knees up on the sofa I was slightly off balance and all I could do was let his cock slide right inside me so deep I had to just let him basically hold me in place and use his hips to just fuck me as I leaned forward pressed into his chest and right by his face.

The intensity of his cock and the intimacy of how close together we were as we fucked was incredibly hot and we only pulled back slightly for him to lift himself up off the sofa so I tipped back with my tits right in his eye line as he came ridiculously hard into me and I pushed down onto him and came too.

We paused like that for long enough to get our breath back and then we flirted and joked as we got dressed again. He gave me the kind of kiss on the doorstep that only come from having fucked someone you’ll never see again and hints that both his cock and mind will replay the scenario plenty of times in future.

And that’s the only problem with those hot but fleeting fucks, they feel fantastic but leave you so horny all you can do is masturbate to them again immediately afterwards and in my case leave you with a slight sense of longing every time you see a different courier at the door…

Door to Door