Monogamish

Half of me wishes I’d known all the words and terms for relationships involving more than one person years ago and half of me cringes hearing them now because I have never been a fan of anything with very strict social codes.

When I met my Master he told me that his relationship with Princess was open. In my experience this was usually just the thinking man’s version of ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ or ‘we aren’t having sex’. An ‘open relationship’ to many men seems to have mutated into ‘I’m open to do what I like but my partner doesn’t know and the same rules don’t apply to her.’

But my Master doesn’t do dissembling and it was clear quite quickly even after the effects of the free bar we met at had faded that he really was in an open relationship that had agreed and defined terms between him and Princess and he was not bullshitting me with a form of performance art as fucking.

Being staggeringly un-self aware at the time (to the point where I was wondered if I was aromantic) this was a real plus point for me as my first thought about this was since he had a girlfriend there was was no danger of him developing any emotions for me (or me for him…)

I had it neatly mapped out in my head that he and I would fuck until he was bored of me, I would never really think about his girlfriend and that being compartmentalised and formal was very grown up and mature because essentially I had no idea sex and affection could co-exist. I was thinking this was the way to have cake and eat it without realising the point of cake is for it to taste good rather than just look impressive.

I was so fearful of stepping outside that ‘cool girl‘ role I’d always ended up in in that and across as negative things like ‘needy’ or ‘clingy’ or jealous that it never occurred me that people like to feel needed or like you matter to them and that most people consider emotions the standard setting in relationships no matter how informal.

I think we all know how my plan worked out. Three years later I’m disappointed I couldn’t go to Ikea with him and Princess today because I had other stuff to do. Not even sharing a bed with both of them fairly often could quite convey how much my compartments turned into feelings and commitments to both of them.

For the first six months I was still fucking other people while seeing him and then he set boundaries about that alongside gifting me my collar and I was almost relieved by those rules. Having thought I never wanted to be ‘tied down’ to be claimed felt reassuring and I had little desire to fuck anyone (except Princess on his say so.)

Branching back out into sex with other men under his orders a few months later surprised me in how uncomfortable it felt. It was like putting on an item of clothing you once loved to find it was out of fashion even though it still fit and you felt like a previous version of yourself in it. I felt strange mentioning it like going from being the slutty no boundaries fun time girl who had agreed to openness  now wanting to close things on her part was somehow reneging on my part of the deal.

A bad date ended up saying it for me and the subject of other people didn’t really come up again. I was surprised when Sir showed little interest in sex with anyone else and wasn’t sure how I’d feel if Princess wanted to date but at the same time I was aware that while I’d changed the dynamic of their marriage in some ways it wasn’t my call to make on how open they were within that.

People who love terms like ‘polycules‘ and ‘metamour‘ always bang on about how much talking is essential to non monogamous relationships of any kind and while I agree up to a point, I’m not a fan of talking for the sake of it. I like to let relationships feel natural and keep the bullet point style for therapy instead.

And sure enough in the last few weeks the subject of other people floated back into the orbit of our relationship. Sir found a potential sissy he might fuck and was invited to another threesome and Princess met a couple of women online keen to see if Tinder would offer up friends with benefits and a little exploration for them.

The thought of Sir fucking other people is hot (and the idea an ex-fuck of his wanted him to guest star just made him all the more desirable to me. No higher compliment than someone being that attracted to your partner after all.) And anything else would have been hypocrisy as that’s how I met him after all.

The idea of Princess dating caused me slightly more pause. I have generally never felt jealous. It’s an emotion I simply can’t relate to but I do have spectacular abandonment issues thanks to my fucked up childhood and I often can’t predict what will set them off. My girlfriend dating seemed like it could be a *thing* where the man who owns me fucking wasn’t.

She and I discussed it and something felt like it wasn’t quite right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was I secretly struggling with her fucking other people? Like 90% of my useful thoughts it came when I was washing up. That not quite in place feeling wasn’t jealousy or abandonment or feeling left out. It was feeling like I *should* feel those things when I didn’t. It was the same feeling of being in the wrong room and not knowing how to excuse myself I got when I tried to be monogamous in the past.

Both my Master and I have had the time and opportunity to explore our sexuality and sexual preferences in the way that forms you who you are as a person. Princess being younger and flipping the script round to have found life partners early on hasn’t had that and I would hate to deny her that chance we both so revelled in.

For queer kinky people who and why you fuck like you do is often so intrinsically wrapped up in your personality and your social life that it’s basically your hobby as well as your way to pleasure. It’s the basis of how you discover who you are and it would be really weird if I objected to Princess doing this in a sexual context but approved of her going to a book group in comparison. By determining her hobbies and opportunities I’d be clipping her wings and the thought of doing that was what was sitting so awkwardly.

Once I’d realised that the itchy scratchy feeling I had subsided. I also imagined straight or monogamous people asking me was I not worried she’d meet someone else and chuckling because frankly it’s damn near impossible to meet someone on Tinder or online even if you make it your life’s work. Plus I know just how underwhelming most casual fucks are in bed. There was nothing to fear.

In fact I walked Princess to her date and went home with no worries at all. My only interest was whether she had fun. I didn’t spend my evening tormenting myself picturing her in bed with someone else or catastrophizing in any way. I watched Coronation Street in bed which was frankly more dramatic than my thoughts and hope the casual sex she was having lived up to her expectations.

Spoiler alert: she’ll probably do it again so clearly it wasn’t a disaster but she didn’t have much to say. It sounded remarkably like book group in that respect. I have no issues with her or my Master fucking other people casually and the whole relationship being open in that respect.

But in seeing that happen I realised I have no interest in fucking anyone else myself unless actively involves my Master and Princess being there with me. It turns out for me casual sex involves me being emotionally closed and the openness I need in my relationship is developing that side of me that is open with feelings and love.

That’s the bit my slutty past never taught me when I was picking up sexual skills and good anecdotes and it’s something only my Master and Princess can show me. Turns out I’m soppy, sentimental and my version of romantic with the right people (and my prior lack of awareness was that I was dating dickheads and hanging around with people with personality disorders.)

I just hadn’t realised til now that with all those terms for non monogamy there was more than one way to be open in a relationship…

Monogamish

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