I feel like I’ve forgotten how to type it’s been so long since I blogged. I gave myself some time off over Christmas since I thought you’d be all be too busy for reading and I ended up sidetracked by socialising myself.
In fact I saw the New Year licking Princess to orgasm on the kitchen table in eye line of her neighbour’s NYE party and then marvelled how much things have changed in the three years since I started fucking Sir that I spent New Year’s Day with him and Princess in our pyjamas rather than being ragingly kinky and rather liking how things have developed between us in that time.
Then I came home to sleep the seasonal fun off and haven’t really got out of bed since. Not out of laziness but with a relapse of my chronic illness laying me up. Admittedly if there’s any month being stuck at home doesn’t mean too much FOMO, it’s January when everyone else is out of the pub or in the gym but it’s still left me too ill to write and more to the point, with nothing much to write about for a while.
I’ve no interest in booze and my cunt is closed for business and drier than all the social media hashtags possible. I feel like I’ve forgotten what orgasms are while my body conserves its energy like a very very slowly charging battery. It’s both incredibly boring and oddly interesting having so much time to just think.
When you can’t do things the usual way you have to think outside the box. With chronic illness this can mean pacing the way you do the washing up or adapting ways to wash your hair or other practical things, but sometimes it means having to alter how you interact with the people in your life.
I find it easier at times to be more myself and less Candi with Princess. A lot of that is because I have years of experience of close female friendships and some of our relationship just feels like an extension of that whereas I have very little experience of male friendship and even less of the way you get to know men when you date them long term.
At times that formality between me and Sir has been compounded by the nature of a D/s relationship which often relies on strict rules and a defined way of interacting. Being a slow learner, it’s taken me a while to learn that the game of D/s that my Master and I play together isn’t less important or serious if I don’t play it all the time.
Not only is ok to know when to step outside the game, but sometimes it’s essential to do so. I always trusted my Master from the first time we met but it’s taken me a long time to trust myself in this relationship because I don’t come from a background of reliable people with my best interests at heart.
I had to go slowly to make sure my mind was catching up with how quickly my gut instinct and cunt were making decisions for me and my Master has always allowed me to go at that pace while always encouraging me that I can push myself further than I think. Most of that came through kink and D/s and I can’t think of a more enjoyable way to work on myself (especially compared to my therapy sessions each week) and I never want to give that side of Sir and I’s relationship up.
But recently I’ve realised that I haven’t been pushing myself enough outside the kink with Sir and behaving like we’re dating as well as doing D/s. And without doing that it means I can’t keep pushing myself with being submissive with him because submission is so rooted in trust and intimacy that I have to keep building on that instead of standing still.
So while I physically can’t get kinky, I’m pushing myself to be submissive by showing the side of me isn’t just Candi to her Master. Not just wearing latex and corsets but sometimes being ill in front of him in an oversized hoodie on the sofa or texting him about his week or just spending time together doing nothing.
All things I do in front of Princess because I love and trust her (and because she doesn’t give me any choice because she might be tiny but she’s tough on me) and all things I should do with Sir because if I love him and trust him enough to tie me up, drip hot wax on me or permanently alter my body for him, then I need to learn other ways to be intimate with him.
Also I’m pretty sure if he sees me with unwashed hair and ugly slippers while I’m ill, he’ll appreciate me dressed up in full corset and wig even more when I’m back to full health…