Going on a date last week reminded me how much men love the idea of slutty women. But annoyingly it also reminded me that for most men they haven’t got past the thought that slutty women are an idea rather than fully formed human beings.
There seems to be a belief somewhere that being a slutty woman means you aren’t privy to the same social niceties as other people. That by enjoying sucking cock you’ve forfeited the need for decent manners from men.
I will pause to caveat this with two things: yes, I know it’s not all men. But put in this way in the nearly 25 years I’ve been fucking men, I could count the ones who can handle a slut on one hand. Both if I’m being really generous.
And second, most men don’t know they are doing it because slutty women don’t tell them. This is because often it’s just not worth our effort. Do you go back to a restaurant to tell them what they could have improved or do you go somewhere else?
But also it because men don’t listen to slutty women and respect what they have to say. Your sluttiness makes you invalid to them. So when you do tell them you aren’t happy with their behaviour they can simply choose to ignore you because you’re slutty and not one of those ‘nice girls’ they care about impressing.
The madonna/whore complex is alive and kicking day in day out. There’s the women that men will date with a view to marrying and having kids with. Then there’s the women they fuck, including the ones they fuck behind the back of the lucky woman who won the IKEA trips and family dinners jackpot of dating them.
And there’s a gulf a mile wide between the two which interestingly can only exist when men believe that they and a wedding ring are the ultimate catch. It falters at the first step if men don’t regard their sheer existence as the prize. What happens when they meet a woman like me who has never had any interest at all in that idea of commitment?
Usually they love it. None of those tiresome social snakes and ladders games of third dates and buying drinks and rules. Just a girl who is offering orgasms with seemingly no catch of social niceties. It’s too good to be true that filthy women exist without pay off so who could resist?
The problem is that most men those social expectations give them purpose and power. So when they meet a woman who really wants no strings attached sex without secretly falling in love with you or being impressed by your money or position, they feel oddly confused.
They’ve been brought up to believe that women never say what they mean and they always have ulterior, usually money grabbing, motives so the idea that a woman only wanted the fun of your dick and nothing more leaves them oddly defensive. Their prestige as a man doesn’t seem valuable here and even worse, she meant what she said and one cock isn’t enough to change her life, not even yours. You haven’t fucked her different. She’s still a slut.
And that makes men defensive. Instead of enjoying the fact that you find them, not their external persona, so damned hot you want to spend time with them and fuck them and have uncomplicated filthy fun sex while still respecting them as people, many men sulk and get defensive and disrespectful.
They assume that a woman who enjoys casual sex doesn’t need manners or those silly social niceties. They can sulk and whine about not being invited to spend the night, sit on a date where they neither buy a drink or share the emotional labour of conversation but leave her to do it all and suck his dick later or they ask to change the Craigslist ad you explicitly arranged to suit their schedule because they see their time as more important than yours.
They don’t say thank you for a date or a fuck. They don’t call for days or weeks until they get horny again and then booty call you when they have nothing better to do. They fit a fuck with you into their Google calendar rather than making you feel like they want to see you specifically and they ask nothing about what you want sexually, assuming dominant means do what they like.
And if you say anything about this behaviour they shrug it off with either seeing you as a bit hysterical and unrealistic due to being slutty or that you are now falling in love with them and reneging on your ‘cool girl‘ slutty self and letting them down. Both are so easy to write off that you don’t need to look at your behaviour toward me but assume it’s all my shit.
That’s what leads to last week’s date throwing a strop about not staying over and ignoring me for a week before asking for sex without so much as a ‘hello, how are you’ and then ignoring my Whatsapp block to email me to tell me how much I’d regret not seeing him again and how he’d be nice enough not to harrass me after telling him I wasn’t free to meet again ever.
It boils down to the basic fact that if you are a woman they fuck rather than date, they see no point in wasting their energy on manners and pleasantries. That’s what to do to impress women into sex not because they really think women are worth the same manners as everyone else.
The subtle message is that they like your sexuality but they don’t want it encumbered with the messiness of a human being with emotions and needs and feelings. They just want the fun without the reality and tell themselves a woman asking not to be insulted or ignored or undermined for enjoying sex is being ‘needy’ or demanding and getting in the way of their orgasm.
I think we’ve established elsewhere in this blog that I’m a slow learner, but I’ve finally reached my fucking limit with this. I am sick of having to point out that because I enjoy casual sex with men I am not lesser than any other woman. In fact being well mannered and respectful to women like me is likely to result in a world of filthy fun.
Yes, I’m sure women can be equally unpleasant and objectifying to men on an individual level and I am not condoning bad behaviour from anyone. I’ve been a bitch a few times without meaning to with men and I can forgive social clumsiness. And I know how hard is to shake of the cultural conditioning that puts men and women in these roles from early on.
But there’s a social endorsement of men’s behaviour toward sexually available women from mainstream media to the way sex work is regarded to the discourse around stag nights and dating to the point that it’s part of stereotypical (toxic) masculinity now with ‘alpha males’ and ‘PUA‘ culture that is totally different.
This is what I’m sick of because for a very long time I believed it must be something about me because it was so widespread. You know what they say? When everyone else is always the asshole, you are probably the asshole after all?
I was sure it was something about how I presented my sluttiness and myself that men reacted like this all the time. But then I met my Master and he is completely unlike these men. He approaches that sluttiness as something that is valuable as part of me rather something to used and then feel furious with yourself about. And his decency means he reaps the rewards of myself and my slutty tendencies to full effect.
But still the other men around me treat me the same and I have finally realised it can’t be my fault that I get catcalled all the time, commented on, have work relationships turn into someone getting their cock out on me or men turn up on my door at 7am after I’ve told them no and expect a cookie for not harassing me further.
It must be something about men’s attitudes to women’s sexuality rather than my individual response after all. And that’s where after so many words I run out. I don’t know what to say to change men’s behaviour because I’m damned if I’m changing myself again for them…
*FYI: all the examples here are real life ones from the last year of my life. Any further back would require the entire internet’s worth of writing to note them all.