Indecision

So I cancelled my date. Part of it was that post Christmas thing when you’ve lost the will to socialise and just want to lie in bed, but I knew there was more to it when I texted my Master to tell him.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was though. Yes, there was the slight worry that my date wouldn’t be good in bed as my Master has ruined me for life there. That made me realise I was actually quite nervous about showing off the obvious signs of my kinks to someone new.

I had no worry that he wouldn’t enjoy the pierced nipples and clit, but at the back of my mind I wondered how my stretched cunt would be received. Most men are borderline obsessed with a tight cunt and I was apprehensive about the response to my mine and the looseness I’ve worked hard at.

I love that work I’ve put in at my Master’s orders and I love how much easier I find it to come now, but I’m still cautious about having a part of my body judged especially by someone who probably doesn’t share the same kink.

I kept dithering between wanting to show my cunt off and make my Master proud and having to explain something in real life that’s incredibly personal and full of potential for misunderstanding and not knowing which side was winning: show off or shyness.

The only thing for it was to talk to my Master about it all. He knows me well enough to ask the right questions that made the whole thing make sense. I was apprehensive personally but also felt it wasn’t the right time to go on a date with someone else because I don’t feel I’m working hard enough at my submission to him at the moment.

At the back of my mind I’m very aware that I really didn’t end up ticking as many things of my Master’s list for 2016 as I’d have liked and that seeing another man outside those rules felt a bit like going out to play before I’d done my homework.

I’d discussed this a bit with my Master recently and he was happy that I was making progress elsewhere, especially with training Princess and obviously I am not going to tell him differently as he clearly knows his own mind.

But I know when I look at the list I want to make an excuse or justification for each bit I didn’t achieve and I know myself well well enough to know that as soon as I do that, I know I haven’t done my best and am disappointed in myself.

Part of it is that I am much more used to active submission to him such as explicitly kneeling in front of him that I struggle to recognise my indirect submission through things like training Princess as still being overtly submissive and am harder on myself than I should be.

So when my Master told me there’d be direct orders if I went on the date, I changed my mind again. Who know what 2017 will bring?

Indecision

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