I have a love-hate relationship with feminism. At its most basic in allowing women and men to have equal rights, I’m all in. But in its most common form of wanting white middle class cis women to have the same rights as white middle class cis men and not changing a system that marginalises a lot of people, I’m not so keen.
The type of stereotypical feminism that wants more women on banknotes and boardrooms isn’t my bag at all. It has an uptight moralistic tone I don’t care for which is all for choice for women as long as it is the choices those women would make for themselves.
But those choices don’t seem to include sex work or shaving your cunt or being slutty. Those are all things that apparently women have no agency over and are only forced into doing to please men. They don’t really choose or want things like that apparently.
So for years I was torn and confused. I wanted and approved of many things feminism did such as increasing women’s financial rights, access to abortion and personal safety but I felt out of place within that environment at the same time.
The feminism I encountered wanted women to be sexually liberated but never submissive. Women who allowed men to tell them what to do were viewed as some kind of traitor to the cause. They definitely weren’t real feminists according to their rules.
It took me a while to find a feminism that was more inclusive than exclusive and once I did I think it made me a more compassionate person but also more able to reconcile the fact that submission to a man isn’t inherently wrong in anyway.
My submission is given freely and willingly to a man who respects me and my body and who I respect and trust utterly. He puts as much work (if not more) in dominating me as I do into submitting to him which makes it very mutual.
There may be a power dynamic inherent to our relationship that I would never change but there is no misuse of that power on his part. It’s submission not subjugation and I see no shame in being a sexually submissive woman.
That view was confirmed today when I saw this tweet discussing whether submissive women can be feminist or not…