I’m not quite sure why I’m in such nostalgic mode this week. I don’t know if I’ve just got sucking cock on my mind because I haven’t had as much opportunity to do it recently as I’d like and that’s got my memories putting the effort in, but it made me look back at some old messages from my Master all the same.
And I think some of my reminiscing is because it was around this time last year that I realised my relationship with my Master wasn’t just an enjoyable erotic fling but an actual D/s dynamic.
I know it sounds almost ridiculous now, but I didn’t think of myself as at all kinky when I met my Master. Not because I thought there was anything weird about being kinky but more because I had very narrow ideas of what kinkiness was and that I wasn’t the ‘right’ kind of person for it.
At risk of making myself sound much older than I am, I came of age before the internet was widespread and in an environment where women enjoying sex was transgressive without complicating it further.
Kink was so far off that it never really occurred to me it could affect me. It was Robert Mapplethorpe photography and tales of San Francisco and leather bars. It was always gay men and whips and pain and where I grew up men told women what to do in every sphere of life anyway.
I didn’t know that Dominance and submission existed. S&M got mentioned, never D/s and wrongly I assumed that to be kinky you liked pain. It didn’t help that all the people I knew who did inhabit the now named BDSM scene tended to be gay men who embraced leather and being beaten so I thought it wasn’t my world.
Aware that plenty of other people (wrongly) thought them ‘freakish’ in kinds of ways, I didn’t want to add to it by quizzing them about their lives while they assumed that to be so comfortable with them, I must share some of their world and so the subject just never got discussed between us.
So I continued having many interesting sexual encounters with people I didn’t date and didn’t particularly like as people as they were often domineering assholes with their clothes on but yet I couldn’t seem to stop getting naked with them.
But if they were always nice and sweet and wanted to share everything equally, I liked them immensely as people but never craved them sexually the same way. I assumed I had dreadful taste in men and left it at that.
And then I met my Master and something was different right from the start. At first I thought it was the fact we didn’t fuck for several months after meeting, then I thought it was because it was non monogamous and then after almost six months, it dawned on me.
It was because this was D/s. I’d been so busy trying to decipher something that felt very complicated that I’d missed the simplest explanation. He liked taking charge and dominating me and I liked him doing it. I was exactly the right kind of person for it now I knew what the hell it was.
The clues were there. We’d had a conversation about it all when things had gone from flirty texts to full on fucking in the space of a few days and I still hadn’t got it because I was still thinking the concept of kink was the complicated bit, not the doing it.
It wasn’t until things got to the point of being blindfolded and getting wetter than anything else had ever made me before and ordering me to get my nipples pierced that the penny dropped for me.
Being a very slow learner I’d been mixing up kink and vanilla the whole time and not doing either particularly well. Luckily my Master took charge and brought me right up to speed…