Nearly halfway through the year, it feels really good to have completely ticked something off the list my Master has given me for 2016.
Every single time I’ve gone out for the last month I’ve been wearing a wig and a butt plug as ordered and I’m convinced that it will be the most difficult thing I do from that list all year.
That’s partly because it’s almost 24/7 submission but done alone without my Master present which alters the dynamic in a way for me that things like waist training or not wearing underwear doesn’t.
Those things start out a challenge for me, something I am intensely aware of when I start. Every step was noticeable when I started wearing the jiggle balls, every breath in and out the first few days I wore the waist trainer or way I moved and bent over when I stopped wearing underwear.
And then they start to feel so normal, so usual that I forget I didn’t always do them and have to think back to how I was when I first met my Master. But I remained intensely conscious to the point of self conscious of the wig.
In contrast the only time I noticed the butt plug during that month was when I was walking back from my Master’s recently and due to the repeated orgasms he’d just given me mixed with a combination of lube and come, it slipped out as I was walking. A few more steps at a reduced speed proved to me that a latex catsuit would stop it crashing to the ground and I made it home unscathed and moderately amused.
The wig however became more and more challenging each time. I became so panicky about people who know me outside Candi seeing me with her that I had to message my Master and ask what to do when I thought I really couldn’t spend time with a mutual friend of ours the other night because of it.
I’ve been thinking a lot about why the wig is so problematic for me. Partly on a practical level of being used to short hair, it gets in my way far more than I’m used to and makes me impatient and too warm. But more than that, it’s a visible sign of my dynamic with my Master and I’m not used to that. It feels exposing and vulnerable in a way that the secrecy and privacy of our relationship doesn’t.
I have always thrived on secrets and hidden aspects in sexual relationships. Even where I’m open with someone on a personal level, if it suited our dynamic I might have been seeing someone else and not telling them or been having a relationship with someone I shouldn’t have been or doing things people who thought they knew me would be shocked by.
And in many ways my relationship with my Master carries on in that vein. It’s not public knowledge amongst people who know both of us, I don’t discuss it with friends and a huge part of it for me is about people not suspecting the level of sluttiness and kink just under the surface.
I revel in the fact that the average person I interact with in a week would never guess that I’ve been fisting myself in Selfridges or never wear underwear or suspect that under my fairly strong personality I’m incredibly sexually submissive. The wig is more overt, a more obvious sign of that to me than I’m used to or comfortable with.
Having to consider why I found the whole task so difficult it has made me more aware of why my Master set me as an order. I’m glad he did and even more glad I saw it through no matter how hard it became. I hate to disappoint or defy him, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t relieved to complete the task.
It has made me even more keen to move on to the rest of the list though in comparison…